"I've always been dissatisfied, I know that. But lately I find that I reek of discontentment. It fills my throat, it floods my brain. And sometimes I fear that there is no longer a dream, but only the discontentment." - John Adams [to Abigail Adams in 1776]
July in summation:
Molten red skies at 4AM. Sultry, endless cornfields. Value Place birthdays. Walmart shopping with siblings and cousins. Lightning and rainbows over the hotel where Brett gave me a ring. 48-hour fast. Guitar hymns and praise songs. Watching Inception. Reading Paradise Lost.
Now the heat is torturous. If Samuel Beckett wrote a play about my life it would be called Waiting for Fall. Or maybe just Waiting, period. Waiting Very Impatiently. Now I begin to see how children can be an idol. For me it is an unsatiable desire. Yuck, that makes me shudder.
"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, withough hypocrisy.
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning, and your joy to gloom."
"Behold, we count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful."
James 3:16-17, 4:8-9, 5:11
3 comments:
:/ If there is ANYTHING that I have learned (through my experiences, and a few of those I love)...children are all in Gods timing. Not our own. I am still praying for you...hold Elanor closely and be thankful for her little life. She is so precious, I'm so thankful that you have her! I dont know what the Lord holds in your future....but I do know that he holds your life (womb included) in the palm of His hands. Until we find what His plans are my dear sister...I will continue to pray for you! I'm sorry that your longing heart hasnt found solace yet, to some extent I know what that feels like (until I am met up in Heaven with Avery again). Each day draws us nearer to our eternal home, and until then we know we have a purpose here. I love you sweet sister, and thank you for sharing your heart. I wish we were near so I could give you a big hug, and we could have a good cry together. <3
praying for you my dear girl! thank u for sharing how God is working in your life. i love you Rea
Thank you both for kind encouragement which I don't deserve! It occurs to me to focus all my energy and emotion on God and His good gifts, even if my trial of patience lasts the rest of my life. James 5:19-20
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