delight

Thank You God for giving me desires. I often doubt that my desires are God-given, but it is stated so cleary: "He will give you the desires of your heart." Not only will He fulfill the desires we have, but He will even conceive good desires and place them into our hearts.

As long as our delight is in Him.

surrender

When it is the worst, it is the easiest.

At least for me. When I have absolutely no control whatsoever, when God simply answers my plea with a gentle, firm 'no', after I have railed for a little bit, THEN it is the easiest to trust Him.

Because that is all I can do.

another name

If you couldn't tell: the snow makes me want to write.

I have also been reading, Betty Smith and Don Piper, but here is one quoteworthy:

"Come and have breakfast." said the Lamb in its sweet milky voice.

Then they noticed for the first time that there was a fire lit on the grass and fish roasting on it. They sat down and ate the fish, hungry now for the first time for many days. And it was the most delicious food they had ever tasted.

...

"Please, Aslan," said Lucy. "Before we go, will you tell us when we can come back to Narnia again? Please. And oh, do, do, do make it soon."

"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."

"Oh, Aslan!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.

"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now."

"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"

"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.

"Are--are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.

"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

-Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C. S. Lewis

Remodeling update: I was finally able to paint my in-laws' dining room walls today! Kitchen is still in progress, but a new stove is going to be delivered sometime this week. Brett had to work Saturday, and is at work now (Sunday), but then the plant won't have much to do for a few weeks, so he has to bank hours while he can (it'd be lovely if he got our anniversary off... *smile*). I am holding on to hope that I get to paint the kitchen before Christmas!

meant to be

Brett,
the love of my life,
the man God made to husband me,
is a merely kind of person. (see previous post)

Brett does not use too many words. He has no anxiety about details. He is never restless.

He uses merely enough words. He accepts each day as it comes. His soul rests even when he works.

Our couples small group was on personality traits last week. I identified most with the lion (aggressive) and secondarily the beaver (detail-oriented). Brett was of course the opposite/complimentary golden retriever (non-confrontational) and otter (relational). Reflecting on our differences ought to make me rejoice in my Creator's ingenious diversity. Our strengths are meant to blend together in a beautiful harmony, but often result in discordant cacophony. Though of late I have bemoaned the restrictions of time, here is a marvelous example of how we have been put in time for our own good: God has not finished with us yet. He is still at work to mend our dissonance into glorious unity. Every once in a while when we hit the right notes - these are glimpses of What Is Meant To Be.

more and merely

More snow today. I almost didn't go to Faribault S.A. for "thrifty thursday" half-off clothing. But I couldn't reschedule my eye exam, and driving Brett to work was halfway there already. So I braved the icy (squeaky) roads and did not end up in the ditch at all. Ordered a new pair of glasses, enjoyed an eggnog shake for lunch, and found a powderblue snowsuit with sparkly silver snowflakes for Norabella. Simple joys.

Tomorrow we're going to Grandma Norma Elaine's for the whole day. Saturday I'm slated to paint. I want my own home so badly that I fear my will must be broken before I may have it. That is usually the way of things. Oh, vanity of vanities. Why can't I merely be thankful? I am just not a "merely" kind of person is why.

joy

At dawn the temperature was -12°F. The rest of the day was pretty cold too, but Norah and I decided to get out our snowpants and walk two blocks to the post office to mail a christmas package anyway. Then she took a nap and I walked a 5K to Salvation Army thrift store where I found a sweet wooden nativity and a few other good deals. After supper I went to book club with Andrea.

On the docket for the rest of the week: Laundry. Drywalling and painting. Celebrating Brett's birth season some more. Spending a day each with both of Brett's grandmas. Eye exam. Mailing christmas cards. Having coffee with one of Brett's aunts. Hanging out with Brett's cousin's family. Making pies. Et cetera.

I am lovin' winter.

blizzard bliss

The world has donned her white gown. It is seven degrees farenheit, and the sun is shining. The neighbors have been out mowing - I mean blowing - their sidewalks since the last flake fell sometime this morning.

I love the smell of ginger root and garlic. Sauted onion, sweet potato, lentils, and coconut milk, along with a blend of 12 spices; the ingredients for a delicious winter soup. Oyster crackers or a dollop of greek yogurt to top it off.

Norah and I are going to go out sledding.

oh, december

Since we traveled the last couple weekends, this weekend it feels especially good to cozy up indoors. The perfect way to commemorate our first Minnesota blizzard! It has snowed 2-3 times since those first fleeting flakes in October, but this time we are quite happily homebound.

We are still celebrating Brett's birth season and today I shan't spend a thought on laundry or tidying or how I am powerless to finish the kitchen. Instead I am going to just enjoy the time with family. A heavy, silent snowfall out the window. Handel and Tchaikovsky playing in the background. Wrapping packages to send to California. Making paper chains for the tree. Putting christmas cards into envelopes. Perhaps some baking. My long-neglected stack of library books awaits me, too...

my beloved burns wood

In a month we will have been married for three years. And he is by far my most favorite person in the world. We are making a counterfeit carcassonne, and it smells sooo good.

collectanea

I've been recording snatches of the days...

Elanor Dregge and Johannah Merz

In a homily for a wedding, Denis Haack explains that marriage is extraordinary: One proof is that even math has stopped working. Or more accurately, math is working at a far deeper, mysterious level here today. When you walked in here, 1 + 1 = 2. But when you walk out, 1 + 1 = 1.http://blog4critique.blogspot.com/2010/10/present-your-bodies.html

It happened. Sitting here at the computer, I heard the ominous succession of thumps that I had long dreaded: my toddler falling down the flight of wood stairs. As I ran to the foot of the stairway, her scream actually gave me immense relief (for then I knew she was conscious), and even before I reached her my mind ran through the possibilities of black eyes, bruises and broken bones. I observed poor norah sprawled face down for just long enough to determine that she could move on her own, but as she reached for me tearfully - sobbing something about falling down the stairs as if i might not realize what had happened - I was amazed to discover no visible injury. Nothing bleeding or broken. Once in my arms her sobs subsided and she asked for ice, which she does every time she acquires a bump, and we talked about how she needs to go down stairs feet-first and not try to walk down by herself.

Ned and I

"...when you were shipwrecked, you sailed from the place in a boat woven mostly of spells, and it didn't leak water. Was it illusion?"
"Well, partly it was illusion, because I am uneasy seeing the sea through great holes in my boat, so I patched them for the looks of the thing..."

-A Wizard of Earthsea

This made Brett and I laugh aloud, and such moments are precious and rarer than they should be. You might have to read the book to share our amusement. Ged is such a serious fellow most of the time.

Before reading this we approached the brink of catastrophe on a patch of ice early in the morning driving south out of Minnesota. Though we lost control for at least a quarter mile, my Superman-husband's steady skill and God's sovereign protection kept us on the road instead of in the ditch, where Brett was sure the speed and slope would have rolled the vehicle.

So we may have been a little giddy with being alive when we shook with laughter over the wizard's teasing.

Edmund chuckles at us. We beam.

My L'abri notes:

Platonic Dualism: The problem of dualism is not making a distinction, but creating a hierarchy (of value). The solution is to put all under God, not blur the distinction.
Hannah Coulter: Expectations are a puff of smoke. Education often encourages the belief that there is a better place somewhere else.
On Being a Neighbor: The hardest thing to give is ourselves. God meshes our desires and talents with His calling.
Then we returned to a land of white. I put an end to four years of dental avoidance. I finished my book a few minutes before bookclub. Hurray for offers of rides and spontaneous visits from friends, ending the evening with a succulent House episode. Got a lovely breakfast and great tips on jewelry versatility and chiropractice at MOPS this morning. Now to grate and freeze squash, scrape paint, start holiday projects. I know this Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be the best yet.

edge of the divine

I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it.

-Garden State

reformation halloween

"All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired, although not in the hour or in the measure, or the very thing which they ask. Yet they will obtain something greater and more glorious than they had dared to ask."

- Martin Luther

I could complain when Brett has to work on a Saturday, but that would be ludicrous when I have so much to be thankful for. Like the fact that I have a husband who works hard with nary a grumble for his family and God.

So while Brett put in hours and the sun shone, Norah and I walked to the thrift store to buy some clothes for the fast-growing Ryott. How fun is it to have a nephew?! For only ten bucks I got at least five adorable like-new outfits. Blue for his eyes, orange and green and brown for his outdoorsy dad, stripes for his style-savvy mama, warm and hardy fleece, thermal, and corduroy for a midwest winter, and two reversable beanies for his darling head.

On our walk we were surprised by -but quickly made friends with - a trio of beautiful dogs, two dobermans and a golden retriever whose owner apologetically explained "they are very quiet and friendly, but they think they own the sidewalk" while Norah fended off enthusiastic canine kisses. I'm glad Norah can grow up with a large (understatement) dog like Vic, but it is funny to hear her mimicking bellow "Quiet Bikdur!"

Sunday I was up early before church to bake cupcakes and cornbread, wrap gifts, and put the finishing touches on Norah's costume for a fall family birthday fest in the afternoon. She was a wild tawny lion, or possibly an ewok.

Needless to say, between our recently acquired ship's helm and my cousin's little boy Edmund Petersen, I am incredibly stoked for this year to culminate with my favorite Narnia book of the them all: Voyage of the Dawn Treader coming to theatres in December.

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi732235289/


Or if you're in the mood for some local music, here is a hymn by Owl City, playing at his own Owatonna high school today.

http://owlcityblog.com/2010/10/25/my-hope-is-found/

sweater weather

Norah is 27 months old today. Two and a quarter years.

And it snowed.

It's all melted now, and a bitterly cold wind drives all the carpet of leaves away, but I got to walk to the post office amid actual flakes. Time for wrapping presents, baking cookies, wearing costumes, roasting turkey, singing carols, drinking cider/cocoa/chai/seasonally-spiced-coffee.

Brett and I just watched two movies I really liked. Me and Orson Welles was surprisingly unpredictable and an accurate and timeless portrayal of professional theatre, in my experience. Robin Hood (with Russell Crowe) surpassed my expectations, even if Medival English History was the only class I ever got a C in (quite deserved).

We are going to a Wild/Capitals game in the Twin Cities this week, and next month to a L'abri conference in Ames. I don't mind that it will take time to develop lasting friendships with others, because I'd most like to invite them over to my own house, which won't happen for a while anyway. I just don't want to get out of practice. There is plenty for me to steward meantime.

blusterful windsday

blocks brett is making for norah

that's right: snow

I'm making a scrapbook about Norah, and it's so great leafing through all the memories and setting them down in story form.

meet the johnsons

I could not have picked a better family to marry into.

My sister in law snaps a shot of her mom and dad.

We spent the weekend with my in-laws at Sakatah lake. Officially we were celebrating Nana and Tanka's 30th anniversary which was earlier this year, and although it did not end up raining like we were expecting (some of us wistfully...) we had a lovely time enjoying the fall weather, playing games, and partaking in delicious salmon and loads and loads of coffee.

Memorable story #1: Norah quickly took possession of the toy-and-book closet in the motel suite (it was rather like a b&b crossed with a cabin). When I put her to bed the first night, kissed and sung-to and tucked-in, she requested to sleep with her "glasses-phone", and it only took me a second to think through all her newfound friends and alight upon the answer. As you may see from the picture above, this innovative title belongs to what the less literal of us know as ...a ViewMaster.

Memorable story #2:
Andrea asked the unfortunate loaded question: What is the thing you most often wish for? " - and I don't want to know if it's sex," she qualified.

I don't know, maybe I suck at this game, or maybe I just forgot the fact that out of the six of us I am the only one who doesn't work outside the home, but I could not narrow it down without giving myself away (house, babies, snow) so I wrote down the less conspicuous response of "more time."

Turns out everyone was too vague. No points for Andrea. Actually I think she did get one point for Brett's continual wish for used cars. "More money" and "that I didn't have to work" just weren't specific enough. Andrea was particularly miffed that she didn't guess Brian's answer of going fishing, to which his defense was, "you said we couldn't put sex." Ooh, burn. And on your anniversary celebration weekend.

Memorable story #3: It didn't rain at all, it just misted a bit. We could have gone camping like we had originally intended. All in all, I think it worked out perfectly. We got to take family pictures against a gorgeous backdrop, the kiddos were super entertaining, and I only broke one glass and started one fire. (I think I broke a record!) By God's grace I put aside all disappointment and reservation, and gained a greater delight in the 30-year marriage of two of the least selfish people I know.

sabbath

church.
we believe we have found our church home. it is a relief and an affirmation that we are supposed to be here.

house.
basking in anticipation. not knowing the answer is at least better than knowing the answer is "not yet." i think?

work.
satisfying, challenging, and promising. we have yet to see how busy brett is kept in the winter, but he is optimistic, as usual. being a homemaker in an indefinitely transitory home keeps me in consistent dependence on the Spirit. after all, isn't that what this earth is?

play.
hurrah for fall! walks, books, crafts, food, campfires, holidays, and harvest fields. i am scrapbooking norah's baby book and looking forward to family get-togethers as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's approach (and birthdays and anniversaries).

life.
abundant.

tis better

i weep a bit watching videos of Norah as an infant. because i miss her babyness and i want another baby and who knows if my wait will never end.

i rebuke myself, for surely God has so far spared me miscarriage or worse. but what about

"tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"

?

please Lord bolster my contentment, patience, trust. i know that whatever happens will be to His glory and most certainly He is answering my prayer to grow me, even where it hurts. and i will never know the hurt that those who do not have any children know, for i have one, and she is precious, and i didn't even have to wait for her at all.

it is hard not to want to be God. to ask why i was given this life instead of another life. instead of the life of a Jew in Nazi Germany in 1942, instead of a American pioneer who lost their children and their crop to fire or locusts, instead of a soldier's wife in any era. it is hard to accept. yet followers of Christ have been commanded, encouraged, and enabled to "rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and in everything give thanks."

everytime i consider my pain is also an opportunity to remember my hope. past hopes that have been fulfilled, and present hopes that will be one day. to redirect my focus to the abundance of good that exists is not to ignore the evil, but to acknowledge that Christ has overcome the grave, and to trust that He will write my story better than I think I can. i do not even have the fate of Job.

Brett says that he loves my passion, and he does not wish it away, but he does wish it did not have to be intertwined with pain. and my pain is his pain. i don't know what purpose my passion might have other than to be an encouragement and a help to others. let it be, Lord.

Matthew 7:9-11 "Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"

exultation

The other day the three of us were crossing the street and out of the blue Norah shouts: "LOOKIT!"

We follow her eyes to the sky. Rising above the fiery fall foliage is a hot air balloon, close enough to hear the occasional whiish of the burner. Yet I marvel more at my daughter's reaction than the floating wonder that mesmerized her. Hahaha!

She is constantly asking what everything is. Lately the sounds of trains, fire engine sirens, helicoptors, motorcycles, airplanes, and street sweepers have fascinated her. "Whatsat?" she asks, over and over. Often she says "I hear it," or "I see it," when she wants us to respond by telling her the name of a newly discovered thing.

She is so in love with life! I know this because I witness it every day. She declares her love ("I love it!") to all manner of inanimate objects and showers them with hugs and kisses.

In some ways I share her vibrant joie de vivre. But ah how quickly that passion is crowded out by other cares. I thank God that one observant little girl stops in her tracks to gaze upward for a few awestruck moments.

give sorrow words

Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.
-Malcolm in The Scottish Play

Hosea 6:1
"Come, let us return to the Lord.
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us."

beauty trumped my doubt

"But if we hope for what we do not see,
with perseverence we wait eagerly for it."

ohhh weekend. in which we recover from colds, watch tv, and drink tea. brett helps sandbag one of the city wells after 10" of rain causes much flooding. norah joins the trees in donning fall colors. i read books and tidy around the house and whisper to brett, "all i want for christmas is a house. wrapped in snow."

our little girl grows so assertive. she craves attention & interaction. her babyhood was fleeting, i had hardly said hello and it was gone. how i love to watch her legs stretch out and see her mind put things together and the words come out in full sentences, newly-born into the dazzling light of day.

sometimes the past feels like a dream. most has faded away, except for brief vivid memories, like postcards. the ache will remain. the happiest, highest moments are but a taste of heaven.

ah but i have the sweetest friend to share life with.

mmtf (much more than friend)

My beloved is dazzling and ruddy
His eyes are like doves

His mouth is full of sweetness

And he is wholly desirable

This is my Beloved and this is my Friend

O daughters of Jerusalem

~from SoS five~

Apron/Heart Strings

Norah helps make peanut butter cookies. A little baker in the making.

Dreary? Not At All.

On bicycle and in burley carrier, we rode to Target on a drizzly morning and found a new rain jacket for Norah. On the way home through the park we paused to dampen our bottoms on a wet slide and quack at the ducks. At home we cozied up with hot chocolate. We are quite in love with rainy fall days.

Irresistable

Helping "Ryott" walk on the ledge as we stroll by Pillsbury. Her hair is growing longer and it is September and I get to spend such luxurious, undistracted time with her. *joy*

Stewardship

"The rule of no realm is mine, neither of Gondor nor any other, great or small. But all worthy things that are in peril as the world now stands, those are my care. And for my part, I shall not wholly fail of my task, though Gondor should perish, if anything passes through this night that can still grow fair or bear fruit and flower again in days to come. For I also am a steward. Did you not know?"

-Gandalf the White

...Affordable
...Near Brett's work
...DIY fixer-upper
...Built pre-1950
...On a gravel road

These are our considerations as we explore the possibility of buying a house. Will we resell it in a few years or raise our children and live out our days upon its threshold? Will it compliment our daily lifestyle and not deter us in our hospitality? Does it feel like a home? Is buying the right house a good investment, or ought we rent for a while longer as we continue to practice tranquility and saving as God allows? For how much longer?

Certainly several things have fallen into place that make the option possible at all. And our desire is there. With hope, we wait, and prepare, and dream.

Raggamuffin

Brett and I were settled in bed watching Star Trek. Our current set up is having all of our belongings in one room (the rest stored in the garage), and Norah sleeps on the other side of our wall, in Brian and Andrea's library/craftroom. She goes to bed at eight o'clock. It was about 10, and we heard thumping noises.

"Like it..."
*THUMP*
"Move it..."
*THUMP*
"Like it..."
*THUMP*
"Move it move it"
*THUMP*
*THUMP*
"I like move-it move-it"

Brett hit pause and I whispered, "Where did she hear that?!" We concluded that she must have seen it on tv. We tried to muffle our giggles. What a precious, hilarious little girl.

This past Labor Day weekend was full and fun. The usual, grieving my impatience, rejoicing over wind and rain, church and house considerations, kitchen remodelling progress, farmer's market, reading, games. Hoodies. Bonfires. Coffee and hot chocolate. I am SO reveling at the prospect of the mosquitoes dying.

Caterpillar Butterfly

five black swallowtails munch on parsley

a chrysalis and a fat cat

emerging wings

from below the empty chamber is transparent

Without change there would be no butterflies!

Ere Long

Meditating on Isaiah 65:19, Spurgeon writes,

"They weep no more, because all fear of change is past... That same joyful rest remains for us. It may not be far distant. Ere long the weeping willow shall be exchanged for the palm branch of victory..."

The Avalanche

I love living with my in-laws. Partly because they are two of the most awesome people on the planet, and partly because they let me help restore their hundred-year-old house.

When we moved into the back "apartment" of their home, we got to pull up the carpet, rip the wallpaper out, and paint it a lemony yellow. It's fun to experiment using someone else's walls. I just had to try it - and I love waking up to the sunshine shade - and now I want to try it in a bathroom when we get our own house.

For a few years now I've been developing a color palette for our Someday Anchor's Rest, built subtley around a ship theme, with white, red, and turquoise. Maybe seafoam. I don't want porthole windows and I refuse to use a single seashell, but I wouldn't mind an antique ship's helm lying around like some people keep old wagon wheels, and maybe if my curtains billow a little like masts it wouldn't be so bad...

...the semblance of our future galley?

This past week, however, my hands began to itch for a project, and Andrea had often mentioned how she had always wanted to remodel the kitchen but it had never really happened. Our bedroom sits directly above the kitchen, so I decided that stripping and painting would be no sweat, and Brian and Andrea were celebrating 30 years of marriage on August 23rd, so what better gift than a bright new room?

Little did I know what I had begun. As I picked ever-so-slowly at the wallpaper (which had cemented itself to the wall so permanently that hot water, DIF solution, oatmeal, and putty knives combined had little effect on removing the stuff), I discovered that underneath was a hodge-podge of surfaces around the kitchen. Brian took a look and within minutes was prying away at wallboard, trim, and plaster. Suddenly my project is taking on a slightly larger scale. A simple coat of fresh paint turned into a pass-through, new walls, new ceiling, and new countertops.

photos courtesy ASJ

The first photo is the current state of the kitchen. Notice how far I got stripping the old wallpaper? And the now-window-that-once-was-wall? Andrea likes the warm earthy tones in the second picture; we will see how it turns out! We picked up a design book and a pile of color samples, and while Brett ripped out more ceiling I made a collage out of the elements Andrea liked best. Her inspiration and centerpiece is the Carl Larson.

During all this, Norah wanted to express her creative side by drawing a face all by herself:

Norah's First Face!

Campfires and Faceplants

Sometimes I would like to go a month (a year?) without internet or television. To find out if I would get more out of life. ...Funny that I'm writing about this on a blog, no?

The real problem is self-discipline, I believe. Limiting myself to only 1-2 hours per week of either media. I like to read the newspaper; I just like reading about my little cousins in Australia and Sweden more.

We went camping last weekend for the second time as a family. Once we save up for a house, we will go camping on a regular basis. Highlights were the camping smells, the cool fresh air, fire-cooked meals, and just being together with no distractions like work or computers. Norah got to play with little cousins, Ryott, Eliah, and Ava. Then she fell on some rocks and her mouth filled with blood, and I was amazingly stoic on the outside while frantic on the inside, and thank goodness her little tooth was still rooted (though loose) and no worse injury than a very fat lip. We put ice on it, and Ryott's teething OraGel, and she slept all night in the tent as though nothing had happened (of course I woke up several times because I couldn't forget that something had). And I'm so glad it wasn't worse. We survived our first traumatic experience, and we are all the wiser and stronger and calmer for it.

The weather is turning cooler it seems. What a relief. This week I am stripping wallpaper and going to the county fair.

The Wrong Kind

Others apart sat on a Hill retir'd,
In thoughts more elevate, and reason'd high
Of Providence, Foreknowledge, Will, and Fate,
Fixt Fate, free will, foreknowledge absolute,
And found no end, in wand'ring mazes lost.
Of good and evil much they argu'd then,
Of happiness and final misery,
Passion and Apathy, and glory and shame
Vain wisdom all, and false Philosophy:
Yet with a pleasing sorcery could charm
Pain for a while or anguish, and excite
Fallacious hope, or arm th'obdured breast
With stubborn patience as with triple steel.

--Paradise Lost, Book II

Too often my hope and patience are of the the wrong kind. Better to despair or rage with impatience than have fallacious hope or triple-steeled patience. Extremes must haunt me though, for to quote Jack London: I would rather be ashes than dust.

Listmania

Coffee brewed. Husband sent off to work. Dough mixed. Cookies and Bread baked. Dishes washed. Daughter breakfasted and dressed. Caterpillars fed. Camping menu planned. Laundry folded. Blog written... whoops! Better do that now.

Norah observes the Black Swallowtails feasting on parsley.

My brain thinks in pictures, but I have trouble remembering unless it is written down, so my pen writes in lists because it is efficient. I liked the idea a friend discovered of using her birthday as the start and end of a year of resolutions, so I am blatantly copying her with my own goals. Here are seven things I'd like to accomplish before I turn 27:

Save up for a house of our own

Lose 15 lbs

Make a dentist appointment

Finish three craft projects

Go to the Boundary Waters

Join or start a bookclub

Keep a prayer journal

Here are a few other lists that have been rumbling around in my head. The first is my parents' homeschooling lesson plans from my childhood, which my family found and gave me recently.

And here's a page out of a book Brett gave me, along with roses.

27 years ago today

...Ronald Gaius Ives married Teressa Lee Henze.

Today Norah and I put together puzzles.

Painted our nails.

And watered the garden.

Endurance

"I've always been dissatisfied, I know that. But lately I find that I reek of discontentment. It fills my throat, it floods my brain. And sometimes I fear that there is no longer a dream, but only the discontentment." - John Adams [to Abigail Adams in 1776]

July in summation:

Molten red skies at 4AM. Sultry, endless cornfields. Value Place birthdays. Walmart shopping with siblings and cousins. Lightning and rainbows over the hotel where Brett gave me a ring. 48-hour fast. Guitar hymns and praise songs. Watching Inception. Reading Paradise Lost.

Now the heat is torturous. If Samuel Beckett wrote a play about my life it would be called Waiting for Fall. Or maybe just Waiting, period. Waiting Very Impatiently. Now I begin to see how children can be an idol. For me it is an unsatiable desire. Yuck, that makes me shudder.

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, withough hypocrisy.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning, and your joy to gloom."

"Behold, we count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful."

James 3:16-17, 4:8-9, 5:11

Rich in Mercy

On July 10, 2007 my best friend asked me to be his wife. How happy I am for that day.

Today (three years and one day later) we were both baptized in a river, a step of obedience we were priviledged to take together, testifying that "God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ, and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2.

I will be working in the cornfields for the next few weeks and probably won't write again until August, which will be full of family celebrations, county and state fairs, and camping. God continues to provide for us, financially and spiritually, and we continue to trust and thank Him amid our transitory state.

Even Though It All Went Wrong

I am one tenth of the way to 25 Silver Years with the man of my dreams. Two point five years have flown and trickled by. Even now I anticipate growing weary of this transition time, but I work at thankfulness, contentment, and most of all patience, meantime.

That verse of Leonard Cohen's song sticks with me:

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

...for I will yet praise Him (and curse Him less) no matter how wrong everything feels. I came to fool no one. Though I stumble I will not be hurled headlong.

Being also the 224th anniversary of my nation's birth, and the corn being well over knee high most places, we celebrated today listening to teaching in the gospel of John, eating bean burgers, melon, coleslaw, and patriotic chilled dessert, watching a movie, and Norah got to stay up to watch the fireworks from lawn chairs in the park. She loved them! And I must admit I totally thought of Gandalf's famous pyrotechnics at Bilbo's birthday under the Party Tree.

In Manifold Witness

My Norabel, my star-flower Elanorelle Iowa-born Sunday's child blue-eyed copy-kitten sweetheart will be two entire years a month from today. The past week was brimming. Helping with paperwork meetings for detasseling, visiting cousins during tornado and lightning storms, and taking a drive with my beloved on country roads at dusk by firefly-lit fields and peering in the windows of an old house dreaming about if we bought it and Norah biking the mile into town, population: 232. Driving on midwestern roads is bliss. Water over the roads, mammatus clouds, more natural beauty is everywhere, even if it is husbanded and engineered by mankind.


...Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not...
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Notes From a Little Head During a Big Storm

We experienced our first tornado sirens tonight. As a storm system crossed southern Minnesota, many twisters touched earth. One was reported to be a half-mile wide.

The five of us (plus dog) settled into the unfinished basement to wait it out. All of us were a little excited and a little annoyed by the interruption. We pulled our chairs into a semi-circle amid a few cobwebs and a box or two of christmas decorations. There was a laptop nearby to keep tabs on the weather. Norah, in her pajamas on Nana's lap, folded her hands and asked inquisitively, "Pray?"

We would have laughed at her sobriety if it weren't for the sirens outside. And the wind and the lightning. So we did. We prayed together in the basement until it was safe to come out.

Steadfastness

A week ago I planted kernels of corn in black soil freshly turned. It rained all weekend. Yesterday, my little seedlings were an inch high! So proud of the little darlings.

Three summers ago Brett gave me a ring. It takes a little longer than a weekend of rain to see the product of our labor to build a marriage that honors the One Who gave His life for His bride. I hope upon hope that our relationship is a tiny little sprout that is maturing each day by God's grace.

In Created to Be His Help Meet Debi Pearl writes that most men tend to be dominant in one of three traits that reflect God's character: Commanders, Visionaries, or Steady men. My Brett is the latter.

"When you are married to a man who is steady and cautious, and you have a bit of the impatient romantic in you, you may not see his worth and readily honor him."

Hit home much? She goes on to give me many solid reasons to appreciate his steadiness.
...He is like deep, deep water
...His strength is exercised as he quietly assumes responsibility that other usually shirk
...His steadfastness is sure, his loyalty is strong
...His children grow up to highly respect their gentle-speaking dad.
...His still, quiet presence brings peace. He does not focus on the eternal picture, nor is he looking through a microscope, but he does respect both views as important. His vision is as a man seeing life just as it is.

"If you didn't attempt to change him into something other than what God created him to be, he would not cause you any grief."

The women in our small group studied Helper By Design by Elyse Fitzpatrick, and I am convicted by the way she explains what it means to be a helpmate.

"Eve’s punishment proves that God looked upon her as equal with Adam in His image. She was just as responsible to know and obey the Law as he was, and she was equally accountable for her actions. She wouldn’t be allowed to skirt her obligation with a flippant, "It’s my husband’s fault. If he had been a better husband, I would have been a better wife. ""

My MIL recommended Love & Respect. Then I heard it mentioned again in a friend’s wedding ceremony, so I picked it up and was so glad I did. Emerson Eggerich writes:

"The apostle Peter wrote to wives that if any husband were disobedient to God’s Word, "they may be word without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior" (1 Peter 3:1-2). Peter is definitely talking about unconditional respect. The husbands he mentions are either carnal Christians or unbelievers who are disobedient to the Word - that is, to Jesus Christ. God is not pleased with a man like this, and such a man does not "deserve" his wife’s respect. But Peter is not calling on wives to feel respect; he is commanding them to show respectful behavior. This is not about the husband deserving respect; it is about the wife being willing to treat her husband respectfully without condition. To say the least, doing something when you don’t really feel you want to do it is counterintuitive. Therefore, this passage must be acted upon in faith."

I am so thankful I am being reminded of these things continually. God has given me every resource I need, and though I deny, accuse, and rebel, He is longsuffering. And so, praise God, is my husband.

Little House on the Prairie

I just finished playing Loaded Questions with my husband and parents-in-law. One of my favorite questions was What book has changed your life? [besides the bible] Other good questions included What is your favorite thing to do with snow? and What is you favorite movie line? The movie line was a reversal on Brett, so we all had to guess what his favorite lines were and Andrea put "This is my deal." Brian put "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need any aftershave now would I?" I guessed "Ace of spades." Then we all just started quoting The Princess Bride randomly. Brett cracked up, because we all really did guess his top favorites.

Back on track. I can think of four books besides the bible that have had a profound impact in my life: The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House books, Dinotopia, and Lord of the Rings. There are so many more, but these I return to constantly, and I could read them over and over and over again. They are almost like the four walls of my literary soul.

I am still looking for a finite thesis for this blog. Should I muse over theology and literature and art? Should I relate the smallest simplest moments of my day? Should I be passionate or let my words be select and few? I may well babble and then delete it the next day. I wish I would only write profound things, but I know that will not be so. I hope I can stumble across something worth scribbling about once in a while. I'd like to provoke you.

This week I have felt much, mostly good things. Today it rained and I made jam and ate waffles. Yesterday I drove on a gravel road and picked strawberries and planted a little garden - and Brett interview for a better job, then was offered the job, then accepted it! I am amazed at how God provides for the least of these. I was looking for a toddler bed for a specific price and Katri found exactly what I had hoped for, and I mentioned buying canning jars for making jam and Brenda had a box waiting for me. These details convince me that I am right where I should be, and that makes me so happy. Maybe we had two hard years so that we would appreciate this good time, and maybe it was so that we would learn from our mistakes, and a hundred other reasons. I will rejoice and be glad, for this is the day that the Lord has made.

Memorial Day

So we moved! No more sacrificing our marriage for our daughter's sake. No more sacrificing our family for a career in theatre arts. I don't think our goals have changed at all... merely the scenery along the way. What matters more: the journey or the destination? Trick question. Both are of great value. I still hope Brett will be a Technical Director one day, even just at a high school with next-to-nothing pay, or maybe he will have a career in carpentry and do theatre on the side. We just won't sacrifice time with each other to achieve it.

Living in Maryland taught us much. Both of us working full time just to pay the rent taught us to appreciate every moment of time together. Living in the city confirmed our hearts' desires to dwell away from both urban and suburban communities. Being half a continent away from our folks (opposite coasts from mine) truly forced us to leave and cleave, and to find encouragement and support in the body of Christ and necessarily depend on God alone as our Anchor.

For us, being in the midwest feels right. I will always appreciate what living in the DC-Baltimore area taught us, but I will never regret leaving it. Places have always had an affect on me. The desert - Bakersfield - represented dry land, brown sky, constant summer. I also wanted to escape the brokenness of relationship - when my parents were seperated for five years. But God was drawing me to my calling (Genesis 50:20). England represented history and fantasy, a place very green and very rainy, almost too good to consider home. Iowa was where I was happiest, always. It was there I met Brett, who would become my best friend, and there our daughter was born by God's decree, and I would have it no other way!

And what is my calling? Something I am ever discovering. (Stay tuned!)

I relate well to Almanzo and Laura Wilder, whose first four years of marriage were full of hardship and sorrow, and whose daughter was also named after a flower. Let me state for the record that I wish to always be poor but always make ends meet. I am happiest working at home. I hope to have a leaky, ramshackle, Boxcar-Children-meets-It's-A-Wonderful-Life house someday, but the Lord is my Shepherd and as long as I am with Brett my cup overfloweth.

At the end of two years I was just beginning to uncover two of my greatest vices: impatience and discontent. Only from a place of honesty and humility can I learn to walk according to my calling - helpmate, steward, disciple. I want to keep this blog to challenge myself in discipline, and to write more than a facebook status to my community and kin.

Let me share Memorial Day with you: The first part was spent in Owatonna Minnesota, my husband's hometown, where our Norah watched her first parade and the marching band and horses held her attention fast, and our morning concluded with a potluck with Nana and Tatanka. Then Norah and I drove down to Rolfe Iowa, my father's hometown, to see Grandma Ives, aunts, uncle, cousins, and second cousins. Swimming, a movie, and singing around a bonfire. A brilliant sunset on the plains and night sky brimming with stars.

Reading Till We Have Faces for what must be the third or fourth time: "Who can feel ugly when the heart meets delight?" My heart has met delight. Here. Now.