tis better

i weep a bit watching videos of Norah as an infant. because i miss her babyness and i want another baby and who knows if my wait will never end.

i rebuke myself, for surely God has so far spared me miscarriage or worse. but what about

"tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"

?

please Lord bolster my contentment, patience, trust. i know that whatever happens will be to His glory and most certainly He is answering my prayer to grow me, even where it hurts. and i will never know the hurt that those who do not have any children know, for i have one, and she is precious, and i didn't even have to wait for her at all.

it is hard not to want to be God. to ask why i was given this life instead of another life. instead of the life of a Jew in Nazi Germany in 1942, instead of a American pioneer who lost their children and their crop to fire or locusts, instead of a soldier's wife in any era. it is hard to accept. yet followers of Christ have been commanded, encouraged, and enabled to "rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and in everything give thanks."

everytime i consider my pain is also an opportunity to remember my hope. past hopes that have been fulfilled, and present hopes that will be one day. to redirect my focus to the abundance of good that exists is not to ignore the evil, but to acknowledge that Christ has overcome the grave, and to trust that He will write my story better than I think I can. i do not even have the fate of Job.

Brett says that he loves my passion, and he does not wish it away, but he does wish it did not have to be intertwined with pain. and my pain is his pain. i don't know what purpose my passion might have other than to be an encouragement and a help to others. let it be, Lord.

Matthew 7:9-11 "Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"